bakit

bakit ang sakit parin
baka mahal kaparin
ayoko na sana talaga
ayaw na sana kita

sabihin mong kalimutan kita
sabihin mong akoy hibang
sabihin mong ito ay mali
sabihin mong iba nalang aking mahalin

ngunit puso ay di natuturuan
di naman umaasa na masuklian
tanging hiling ay gumaling ng kusa
at makalimutan ka magpakainlanman

Dear Future Husband 101.2

Today is our first of class in graduate school. I opted to enroll in the program thinking that I have plenty of leisure time and I've lost my reading habit. after my last 12 units would be my thesis writing, afterwhich, no more student years for me. If we meet this year then I have to adjust my schedule and priorities. If you are studying yourself or pursuing a career, you have my support.
Lord bless you dearest future husband.

DEAR FUTURE HUSBAND

Dear Future Husband,

Back in my college days, I deeply desired to be in a relationship when the right time comes. With perfect timing, I meant it being stable and can start a family of my own. It was never ideal for me to be in a long-term engagement. From the moment I enter a commitment, I have every intention to make it a lifetime within two years. Surely, during the course of dating, I would not tell you of said timeline.

I am 31 now and that shows that I have been waiting for you for quite some time already but I feel no pressure at all because I simply trust the Lord who is faithful in all He does with my life. In fact, all these years I have been consistently praying to Him to never allow a guy to come near me unless “he is the one” that is why I am really sorry if I have entertained one person mistaking him as “the one”. I planned to love one man only, it is you-- my future husband because I would not want comparisons and I would love to call you as my one and only. Yet, because of that past guy that I’ve given a portion of my whole love for you. By God’s grace that I am restored though I admit that it was quite hard to let go of the hope to have him back. With tears flowing, I want to apologize again of the many times I betrayed you for recalling memories of the guy who did not value what I have saved for you.

Out of that wrong relationship I had that I learned a lot of things, hence, I can love you better than I could have without a past. It was wrong because it did not last as I’ve prayed. The decision to cut it off was not mine. You see, I suffered from “rejection” that is why it is hard for me to be open about the idea of relationship again. I was only told that it was nothing but a mistake and an unexpected one.  The pain was that traumatic that I cannot verbalize it. From any angle, one conclusion was clear—I was rejected because I was not loved or he did not trust me being able to love him. All throughout the moving on period, my heart got numb with respect to “romantic” relationships. I do not doubt that God loves me and He has great plans for me but I just cannot hear another OPM love song or watch a romantic movie for a season. Then I started to appreciate again places and things I’ve been avoiding because of the memories attached to them. Thanks to my brave heart that I am comfortable once more to see chow-chows, eat at taps n mix, and frequent oval plaza. By the end of this year, he will be a married man and that will completely set everything to an end.

May we meet in 2018 my dear future husband and I will try my very best to never mention any of the past. By God’s grace, you will meet me as though it is my first time to fall in love and this time may it last forever. Please do not expect me to go crazy over you, I just want to love you without being frenzy about it. I want to love you with all my sanity and childlikeness. I do not expect you to have me as your first girlfriend and I will not ask you about your past.

As it is impossible not to have standards, all I want you to be is someone who has a genuine love for God so that we serve God together and overflow His goodness in our lives to others, TOGETHER. We will grow in His truth, grace and love, together and on the same ground that we will plant our family. Ours is a godly family through which the community will be blessed. Struggles would naturally come our way but as long as we anchor our faith on Him then we will be delivered from them.

Whoever you are, I hope you will gladly embrace my family as yours as I will too with yours. My family is the most wonderful thing in this world that I have. I have a dog, his name is Joggy---I’ll get you two acquainted so that he will not attack you. I have nothing much as to investments except as to plenty of friends, a car, a donated real property, cattle, my books, clothes and regular job. If we marry on or before 2019, we may have a simple life but definitely comfortable.

Regarding my personality which you will discover during the relationship hehe I I usually talk fast because I try to capsulize everything. Then, when I am really mad, I walk out but I never speak foul words. I could not let the day end without getting at peace with you. I have to stop here and will write you more later J wherever you are and whoever you are, God bless you my dear. 

Shouting in a whisper

The end of the year is approaching,

A hope is nearing due too,

A freedom from one's knot.

I will not be happy or sad,

To feel nothing is what I want,

Not to care seems fair.

After this year,

I wish not to see you again,

I want to totally forget as though we never met.

TELL ME

Tell me you love me,

I will not think twice to give you my heart.

Tell me I am the only one,

I will devote my lifetime next to you.

Tell me you love the Lord,

I will fight that it will always be us.

Tell me you will serve the Lord,

I will always submit to your leadership.

If only you are free to tell me,

I will keep waiting until it becomes an impossibility.

If only I can  tell you I love you,

I will keep in my heart unless you ask me.