Greatest struggle

Ang hirap lumimot,
Ang hirap sabihing hindi na kita gusto
Lalong mahirap dahil alam kong mali

Mali dahil hindi mo ako mahal
Mali dahil ikakasal kana sa susunod na buwan
Lubos na mali ang ipilit ang minsang winakasan

Minsan naiisip kong hingin ka sa Panginoon
Ngunit sa isang banda ay may bumubulong na ito ay kasalanan
Dahil hindi ko pwedeng gustuhin ang pagmamay-ari ng iba

Bawat paglipas ng mga araw, makalimutan kang lubos ang tanging dasal,
Ang masaklap, Dios lang mi alam nang aking dinaranas,
Di ko masabi sa mga kaibigan o kapamilya
Ama sa langit lamang ang katuwang

Ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo ako ay pinahihina,
Nagmumukha akong kawawa,
Pilit kong nilalabanan, binabalewala ang damdamin
Bakit ikaw pa rin ang mahal, bakit masakit pa rin

Ayokong magmahal muli hanggat hindi ako sigurado ikaw ay tuluyang binitawan
Malamang pag kasal kana ay wagas ang kalayaan
Anupaman, ayaw na kitang makita muli dahil puso ay siguradon hahapdi
Naiyak ko na lahat at sinusubukang laging masaya kaya sana wag ka ng makita pa

My Fringes

Look at my hair, I developed the habit of chopping it off every six months without regrets for it grows real fast. Two months ago I experimented my look and decided to have fringes,  do you think it suits me? I do not do hair treatments specially from parlors because they cause more damage than repair. At the end of the day, it is being comfortable with the spaghetti crown.

By the way, give me one more month and I will turn fit to wear off-shoulder dresses. FYI, balance diet is making my wallet thin because healthy food are expensive. Though I do not have a boyfriend, it remains desirable to prepare a physique suitable for all kinds of gowns specially wedding gowns. I prefer something lacy :-) BEING DREAMY there for I might be destined to be single wearing white hairs rather white wedding gown.

love in years

picture taken from PINTEREST

Kung tayo ay matanda na sana di tayo magbago......

Will you be there?

A love so dear I am growing in my heart,

To whom will I give it, no one knows but Him,

A commitment to seal, only time could tell when,

Holding fast over what is pure before His sight.

Can you hear the whispered words inside?

Are you busy or you are also waiting?

At the right moment, will you be there?

Will you ask me to be your forever?

If you would,
Be brave the to claim me from God.

Dear future husband 101.3

I decided not to name our puppy as Joggy so that he will not be confused if ever i command him to "jog". Our fur baby is Heaven and his a male dobe lab dane-- a big dog and he is all black including his nose and eyes.

My daily routine change because I have to feed him and clean up his cage of poop and weweesh before going to the office. I used be at court on or before 7:00 am but with Heaven, I leave at 7:15 or later but will still arrive on time for duty. Kuya Ian feeds him at lunch. I have to do the same rounds in the afternoon. He has a cage, a ball toy, a mat for bathing and good food plates. Basically, I feed him with milk because he still a baby, turning 2 months in a few days time :-) I was advised to keep him from other dogs and the ground till he reached 6 months, that would be until February 2018 then. He had two shots already of that 5n1 vax and one deworm, His claws are pretty big than his size.  Taking care of him is definitely like babysitting.

Enough of Heaven for now.

How are you my unknown future husband? I wonder what work or profession you are into. As for me, it is unlimited paperwork. Praise God for the patience He instills in me that I could administer well my staff.  With all the stress brought by work, God never runs out of ways to keep me grateful which I hope is the same at your end. BY the way, I am not overly into this marriage thing, I just find it fruitful to be honest with myself without losing sight of the main calling. Believing that He is the one who puts the desires in my heart, I desire to be married someday but this desire must not in any way stop my growth or interfere with my longing to be more like Christ.

You know, until we meet God face to face, we will remain a work in progress. We could not never be perfect while in this world. We will stumble once, twice or more but we should commit ourselves to flee from sin and to always confess after a fall.


It is quite late now, I am glad that Heaven stopped whining. May tomorrow be a sunny day after a gloomy weeklong. Praying for you always dear. Lord bless you.

bakit

bakit ang sakit parin
baka mahal kaparin
ayoko na sana talaga
ayaw na sana kita

sabihin mong kalimutan kita
sabihin mong akoy hibang
sabihin mong ito ay mali
sabihin mong iba nalang aking mahalin

ngunit puso ay di natuturuan
di naman umaasa na masuklian
tanging hiling ay gumaling ng kusa
at makalimutan ka magpakainlanman

Dear Future Husband 101.2

Today is our first of class in graduate school. I opted to enroll in the program thinking that I have plenty of leisure time and I've lost my reading habit. after my last 12 units would be my thesis writing, afterwhich, no more student years for me. If we meet this year then I have to adjust my schedule and priorities. If you are studying yourself or pursuing a career, you have my support.
Lord bless you dearest future husband.

DEAR FUTURE HUSBAND

Dear Future Husband,

Back in my college days, I deeply desired to be in a relationship when the right time comes. With perfect timing, I meant it being stable and can start a family of my own. It was never ideal for me to be in a long-term engagement. From the moment I enter a commitment, I have every intention to make it a lifetime within two years. Surely, during the course of dating, I would not tell you of said timeline.

I am 31 now and that shows that I have been waiting for you for quite some time already but I feel no pressure at all because I simply trust the Lord who is faithful in all He does with my life. In fact, all these years I have been consistently praying to Him to never allow a guy to come near me unless “he is the one” that is why I am really sorry if I have entertained one person mistaking him as “the one”. I planned to love one man only, it is you-- my future husband because I would not want comparisons and I would love to call you as my one and only. Yet, because of that past guy that I’ve given a portion of my whole love for you. By God’s grace that I am restored though I admit that it was quite hard to let go of the hope to have him back. With tears flowing, I want to apologize again of the many times I betrayed you for recalling memories of the guy who did not value what I have saved for you.

Out of that wrong relationship I had that I learned a lot of things, hence, I can love you better than I could have without a past. It was wrong because it did not last as I’ve prayed. The decision to cut it off was not mine. You see, I suffered from “rejection” that is why it is hard for me to be open about the idea of relationship again. I was only told that it was nothing but a mistake and an unexpected one.  The pain was that traumatic that I cannot verbalize it. From any angle, one conclusion was clear—I was rejected because I was not loved or he did not trust me being able to love him. All throughout the moving on period, my heart got numb with respect to “romantic” relationships. I do not doubt that God loves me and He has great plans for me but I just cannot hear another OPM love song or watch a romantic movie for a season. Then I started to appreciate again places and things I’ve been avoiding because of the memories attached to them. Thanks to my brave heart that I am comfortable once more to see chow-chows, eat at taps n mix, and frequent oval plaza. By the end of this year, he will be a married man and that will completely set everything to an end.

May we meet in 2018 my dear future husband and I will try my very best to never mention any of the past. By God’s grace, you will meet me as though it is my first time to fall in love and this time may it last forever. Please do not expect me to go crazy over you, I just want to love you without being frenzy about it. I want to love you with all my sanity and childlikeness. I do not expect you to have me as your first girlfriend and I will not ask you about your past.

As it is impossible not to have standards, all I want you to be is someone who has a genuine love for God so that we serve God together and overflow His goodness in our lives to others, TOGETHER. We will grow in His truth, grace and love, together and on the same ground that we will plant our family. Ours is a godly family through which the community will be blessed. Struggles would naturally come our way but as long as we anchor our faith on Him then we will be delivered from them.

Whoever you are, I hope you will gladly embrace my family as yours as I will too with yours. My family is the most wonderful thing in this world that I have. I have a dog, his name is Joggy---I’ll get you two acquainted so that he will not attack you. I have nothing much as to investments except as to plenty of friends, a car, a donated real property, cattle, my books, clothes and regular job. If we marry on or before 2019, we may have a simple life but definitely comfortable.

Regarding my personality which you will discover during the relationship hehe I I usually talk fast because I try to capsulize everything. Then, when I am really mad, I walk out but I never speak foul words. I could not let the day end without getting at peace with you. I have to stop here and will write you more later J wherever you are and whoever you are, God bless you my dear. 

Shouting in a whisper

The end of the year is approaching,

A hope is nearing due too,

A freedom from one's knot.

I will not be happy or sad,

To feel nothing is what I want,

Not to care seems fair.

After this year,

I wish not to see you again,

I want to totally forget as though we never met.

TELL ME

Tell me you love me,

I will not think twice to give you my heart.

Tell me I am the only one,

I will devote my lifetime next to you.

Tell me you love the Lord,

I will fight that it will always be us.

Tell me you will serve the Lord,

I will always submit to your leadership.

If only you are free to tell me,

I will keep waiting until it becomes an impossibility.

If only I can  tell you I love you,

I will keep in my heart unless you ask me.

heart in words and lines

While it is true that I write with my heart, the web timeline as to when my poems are posted does not necessarily reflect the actual time of the inspiration behind. I may be jumping for joy now but i can draft an emotional poem of what i experienced from the past.

LOVE IS MORE THAN COLD.

Many times I make the Spirit frown,

I let impurity poison my desires,

I breach my commitment to follow and obey,

Despite all these, You still love me.

When my little faith sinks my feet,

When mountains will not move,

When my heart is overwhelmed,

You fill me and I declare, "it is well with my soul."

Tomorrow is unknown to me,

I doubt if it will be brighter,

Worrying clouds my hope,

Anxiety I have for taking my eyes off the cross,

Yet Your grace never failed to restore every loss.

In all my troubled days,

Your very presence I search,

Near You is peace above the storm,

With You, there is no insecurity,

In You alone that life is truly beautiful.

Wait, most of my days are great,

Heavenly love gives me wings,

I rest well at night with a clear conscience knowing He forgives,

And in the morning, joy is renewed 

and ready to serve the Lord and all He loves.

That I could continue the journey with a smile,

That I endure the hills and valleys,

That I can see light in the dark tunnel,

That I can love unconditionally,

I owe them all to our GOOD LORD,

There was once that a friend asked a favor from me but the timing was bad that I barely said yes and that might have caused them discomfort. When I called to inform the person of my availability, I was told that it has been settled already. Things changed after said incident and I think I've lost a friend unintentionally. I am aware that my profession could be of help to many but they must understand that my availability is not that flexible and I also suffer from mood swings. I just hope that I'd be forgiven for failing their expectations of me. 

Nobody is perfect but God,

I have my own share of flaws called sin,

Yes, we should fix our eyes on the cross,

but FRIENDS with unforgiving hearts

are true stumbling stones in paths.

Here is more along said concept:

While we must not judge people

But if you opt to do so,

Please consider the good ones (deeds)

Over that single instance which was not necessarily wrong

But ain't favorable to you,

I'd say, harbor no bitterness

Forgive and save the relationship instead.

Lately, I was reminded of another failed love story. I've written several poems pertaining to my fondness over that person last 2016. He may prolly been my ideal man but he did not see me the same way. I admit that i exerted effort to keep distant from him and his family for the reason that i do not wish to have my "feelings" grow for nothing. Why for NOTHING, because it is wrong to like someone who is taken. Do not get me wrong, he was free and available when I met him BUT he had a girlfriend. Their relationship did not last for a year BUT he managed to find a new one shortly the his break-up. Honestly, how it all happened was not impressive at all that I am withdrawing my impression of him as IDEAL specially when he labeled my singleness as pathetic and proposed to be my boyfriend. After I gave him concealed hope or chance of "US" lines that he took back all he said about the "POSSIBLE US" and excused himself for those jokes. Two weeks after the bad joke that he presented to the public his new girlfriend.

Here is a poem that tells of that guy and his bad joke:

Hey! Mr. ideal lifetime partner,

I really liked you back then,

You do not wear the most handsome looks in town 

but He who lives in your heart captured my attention,

I thought there was a possibility of "us",

Not until a bad joke felt like a slap,

I never said No when you asked if there's a chance,

You withdrew, and that implied something, right?

Freedom

What a relief that I finally did it,

Oh yes! I deleted my account in EFBI,

In this site is where I will pour my heart out,

I can tell here when I am loving and when I am just crazy.

Not much will know what a fool I am,

No one will judge if I skin myself in words,

I have no one to please and will not be tempted to judge others,

A quiet a life and a steady heart are all I now ask.

I am no perfect but I will not let others stumble because of me,

I am not giving out hate nor volunteering to be a channel,

This is freedom!

And I am keeping this private for now until I am strong enough

 to post inspiring thoughts from the bottom of my heart.

i

Why does it hurt to see photos of you?
Why does news about you crumple my heart?
Why is it so hard not to think of  you?
Why do I love you this deep?

When I look at others, I see your face
When I talk to them, your jokes and promises I recall
I go to places and at times end up reminiscing
I write poems, you as the inspiration